The 13 Step Program

Here’s The Scenario

The hotel I’ve been staying at for the last two days has at least twenty-four floors. I know this for a fact because I’m in room 2404. This is quite a bit higher than I’m comfortable with. Twelve stories are about it for me. Above that, I get loopy.

The elevator has a button for each floor except the 13th. So how do you get to it? The stairs?

Early in my career, there was a rash of hotel fires with casualties. A list of things you could do to improve your odds of surviving one of these fires began to circulate.

As well as being published in newspapers and magazines, you would frequently find these instructions printed on a laminated card in your hotel room.

For Your Safety

When you hear an alarm, go to your door and put your hand on it. If it’s not hot, open it and move into the hallway. Take your room key with you. Look for the lighted exit signs and walk towards the nearest one. The exit is a stairwell that will lead you to ground level. If you encounter smoke during your descent, go back up to your floor, exit the stairwell, return to your room and await instructions.

I Get It, However…

Intuition and common sense tell you that this is good advice, but the doors to the stairwells in many hotels are one way only. They lock behind you.

The first time I encountered this, I complained at the front desk, and a security goon was called. I was invited to go somewhere else if I didn’t like it.

“We have six rooms here, a little respect please” I demanded. The response was swift. By adding a suffix or two, the goon managed to use “fuck” as a noun, a verb and an adjective all in one sentence.

My Solution

So on future trips, I included a roll of duct tape with my travel kit. Soon after dumping my bags in my room at each hotel, I would find the nearest exit door and put a piece of tape over the bolt in the latch. This ensured that I could get back to my floor and room if necessary. It also ensured a hefty fine, banishment from the hotel, and even jail if I was caught.

An Idea and 3000 Calories

As my obsession with staying alive faded, I stopped rigging the doors. Yesterday though, my curiosity about the 13th floor had me heading over to the Dollar Tree for tape, two Kit-Kats, a bag of Cheetos, one Hershey’s 75% and a pack of Strawberry Twizzlers. C’mon, nobody buys just one thing at a Dollar Store.

Mikey’s Big Adventure

Armed with my roll of yellow duct tape (it’s all they had), rubber gloves and courage fortified by a large shot of Smirnoff, I took the elevator down to the 12th floor, found the nearest exit door, secured the latch and headed up.

The stairs were sticky and my shoes made squeaky sounds. The smell was a combination of musty basement and stale cigarette smoke. After thirteen steps there was a landing and a door that could easily have been missed. It was the same colour as the walls around it and the knob was small and inset. A metal plate had “13th Floor – Employees Only” scratched into it.

Surprisingly, it wasn’t locked. I pulled the door open to see what looked to be a small lecture hall with fifteen or twenty chairs and a podium at the front. A cork bulletin board hung on the wall inside the entrance with a schedule pinned to it.

TODAY’S SEMINARS
1 PM: FRONT DESK – Strategic use of 140 computer keystrokes when 10 would suffice
2 PM: HOUSEKEEPING – The irrelevance of Do Not Disturb signs and English as a second language
3 PM: GUEST SERVICES – Why allowing the phone to ring at least 20 times actually improves efficiency
4 PM: HOUSEKEEPING 2 – The slamming of doors, loud hallway conversations and other tricks to move guests out early

TOMORROW
1 PM: GUEST SERVICES 2 – The comedy of adding one hour to wake-up calls
2 PM: BREAKFAST BUFFET – The Seven Day Fruit Tray
3 PM: FRONT DESK 2 – Creative usage of the handy “Pandemic-Short Staff” excuse
4 PM: SECURITY RECRUITMENT – Two parts: Relax, There’s No IQ Test – and – Explaining Hotel Policy On a Budget Vocabulary.

Who would have thought? It certainly goes a long way in explaining a lot of things.